Leave All Your Problems Behind
by Deborahpflover
Summary: It's not the first time Natsu has run away. Natsu's thoughts on his yearlong training, and the reasons why. Spoilers for Tartaros Arc.


****Disclaimer:** **the manga/anime "Fairy Tail" and all related logos, titles and characters are trademarks of Hiro Mashima and whoever he works for.****

* * *

The training year isn't as much a training's period as it is a run. Natsu has always ran whenever things got too much. Explaining this to Happy –or worse: Lucy- is not something he wants to do. He needs time alone, in the wild, far from other people, to get his thoughts in order. He has always needed this.

Before he met Lucy he used to go away all the time. Sometimes he took a job and then didn't return until all the money he had earned by doing it was spend. More often though, he specifically went out to look for Igneel.

Sometimes he had rumors to follow, or he found a new place on a map that looked like it could house a fire dragon, but other times he just made up a direction and went wherever the road took him. It wasn't as if he had any starting point for Igneel's whereabouts anyway. He just needed to _look_ sometimes. Just to keep the hope that he would ever find him alive. To make sure he didn't forget, and that when they were reunited Natsu could honestly say he never gave up.

Nobody in the guild had ever questioned this. Not after the first time Natsu announced he was leaving on a search journey and wouldn't be stopped by anyone, not even Erza. Gramps had only looked concerned, made him promise he would be back as soon as possible and reminded him that Fairy Tail would always be there for him.

When he turned and walked away however, he could hear the others whisper that it was foolish, that dragons didn't exist anymore, and that it was irresponsible of the Master to let a child wander off all by himself. Gramps had shot them all down, saying that there was no proof Igneel was dead, and that although Natsu was a member of Fairy Tail, none of them had any right to decide over the path he had to take in life.

And so Natsu continued to search. Only as time went on he started to spend much longer periods in Magnolia. Especially when there were more children his age with each passing year. He build his own place, far away from the smothering city and used it mainly to sleep and store the things he wanted to keep but couldn't drag with him on the road. The rest of his time was spend at the guild. Macao was trying to teach him 'the finer points of fire magic' on the behalf of Gramps who was trying to get his pendant towards destruction corrected. It never helped a lot, and Natsu was bored through half of the lessons. Still, they were better than Erza's, who picked up her terrifying methodes whenever she found something else Natsu wasn't taught well enough for her tastes. Him and Gray continued to annoy eachother.

The longest time he went without traveling was when Happy was born. Natsu knew intimately what it was to lose the only family you had, so he stayed in the guild until Happy was old enough to travel with him.

The longest period Natsu left after he joined Fairy Tail was when Lisanna died. Natsu couldn't stand to be in the guild right then. He didn't know how to act and nearly choked on the atmosphere of grief and depression that hung in the air. So he took Happy and left. It was good for the both of them. Happy needed to take his mind of the horrible loss – the first he suffered in his young life – and Natsu could cry and destroy things without anyone seeing or commenting on it.

When he returned, things were better. Not fixed, but people were not constantly talking about it anymore, and normal life continued.

Natsu kept leaving.

And kept returning.

It was in this period that the close friendship that had formed between everyone around his age was reformed into the good, but looser strings of comradery. Teams were made to the point that anyone rarely worked with people who were not on the same team. Natsu was old enough that he could take any non-S-level mission he wanted and by then everyone was so used to his leaving that no one commented on it beyond wishing him luck.

The fact that Happy now came with him was more comforting than Natsu had ever thought it would be. They made a good team. Happy had gotten strong enough to carry him and they trained until they could work together seamlessly in the air. It was the most fun Natsu had had since Igneel took him flying, doing loop after loop with Natsu clinging on for dear life on his back.

Then he had met Lucy. Natsu honestly hadn't thought much of her when he had first brought her to Fairy Tail. It seemed logical at the time; she was a mage, she was nice and she wanted to join. He would bring her with him and that would be it. He thought she would find her own place, but instead she seemed determined to keep him and Happy company.

And it was nice. Natsu had rarely gotten along with anyone as good as with Lucy. She clearly didn't know a lot about Fairy Tail or missions in general, but she took everything in stride, even when she yelled and whined about literally everything in the beginning.

When he suggested that she could join his and Happy's team, he didn't think it would last. By the time she joined the mission Erza took him and Gray on, he was enjoying having her around so much that making a permanent team with her seemed like the next logical step. Okay, so the whole illegal S-class mission turned out to be a bigger mess then expected and suddenly he had a bigger team then ever. But the missions were getting more serious, and life in Fairy Tail itself was getting more dramatic, and the new team actually worked and it was the most fun he had had in a long time. Which was a shock, considering the team also included Gray and Erza. But somehow, all that meant that Natsu had no time to leave, no time to search, and no drive to do it either.

And then Lucy got herself kidnapped by Phantom Lord. Which brought Gajeel. Gajeel was a major clue in his search for Igneel as far as Natsu was concerned. Two dragon children, abandoned on the same date, meant that something serious was up and Igneel must have had a reason to leave. Something must have happened, and the only thing Natsu had to do was figure it out and then he would be able to find Igneel. He just never got around leaving again.

Then Wendy showed up. And joined their team. And somehow she looked up to him as much as Romeo looked up to him. Natsu had no clue what to do with that, what he had even done to earn that respect, but she didn't seem to have expectations other than being allowed to go on missions with them. And she presented another clue about Igneel's disappearance. So for once Natsu didn't have to undertake another search just to feel like he wasn't giving up on his dad.

And life was fun. He was finally allowed to do an S-class exam, and even with it going to hell when Grimoire Heart and Acnologia showed up it wasn't the end, and while waking up into the future was unsettling, the Grand Magic Games were just too good to pass on. They had to make up their seven years disappearance to everyone that stayed behind.

It was too bad everything turned to shit after that. As if seeing a future version of his best friend die in front of his eyes without being able to help her wasn't bad enough, multiple dragons and some insane dragon slayer showed up trying to kill everyone else. Natsu was honestly giving up on trying to make sense of anything. The only good thing that came out of it was that Natsu gained an uncle.

An uncle that he got to meet again too, even if it was only for a little while.

That was apparently all the respite they were allowed to have because then everything really turned to shit.

Demons turned up.

Zeref.

Acnologia.

And oh yeah, Igneel never disappeared but was _inside him_ the whole time? What the fuck was up with that anway?!

The reunion he had looked forward to ever since he woke up without his dragon father around, the one hope that had kept him going for so long, the only true goal he ever had in life came out and shattered into pieces on the outskirts of Magnolia.

Because Igneel _lost._

Acnologia, the only dragon Natsu had ever been afraid of, ripped his father to pieces right in front of his eyes and there was nothing Natsu could do to help him, nothing to stop Igneel from dying and leaving him again.

 _Please no- dad- don't go- I just got you back-_

Where the other dragon slayers got their happy reunion and a peaceful goodbye, Natsu could only cry and beg for Igneel to _get up please._

But Igneel never did. And nobody seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to _care._

Natsu was just all alone _again_ and now even without any hope of seeing Igneel again. They had only gotten a few minutes together, which were mostly filled with fighting and arguing and Natsu was so, so sorry for being mad.

So Natsu ran.

He couldn't stay. He couldn't rebuild the guild again and see everyone happy and alive and unbothered by the fact that Natsu's dad had saved them all. Hell, he wasn't even sure if half of them realized that 'the huge red fire dragon in the sky' had been his dad.

He couldn't pretend he was okay. Because Natsu was far from okay. Natsu was so far from okay he was sure that if he stayed he would end up hurting someone.

So he just ran. Smashing mountains in the name of training was as good a plan as any. If he got to work out some of his aggression and guilt that way it would be even better. It wasn't as if he would be any good at the guild right now. He hadn't been able to help Igneel after all... He hadn't even managed to land a solid hit on that demon called Tempest. And if Gray hadn't showed up with his fancy new powers Natsu wouldn't have been able to defeat Mard Geer either. Zeref had even stolen the fucking book Igneel had wanted him to get, so he had failed in that aspect too.

It wasn't fair.

Why did Igneel have to die?

He couldn't do this alone.

Natsu didn't want to deal with any of it.

Leaving would be for the best.

He didn't tell Gramps that he was going this time. He couldn't see the disappointment and pity in his eyes. He told nobody but Lucy, in a stupid letter he barely managed to write and leave in her apartment before hightailing it out of Magnolia. He knew she had somehow saved their asses during the Tartaros mess. He just didn't know what happened, but she was still upset and exhausted so she didn't need him burdening her with any of his problems. Or at least that's what he told himself. Fucking coward that he was. She deserved better.

And Natsu was determined to get better.

When he managed to get stronger he would come back.

Maybe if he wasn't so useless, people would stop dying in front of his eyes.

* * *

 **So I have a lot of feelings for poor Natsu who gets so much shit for leaving Lucy. Give this boy a break, his dad died okay? He has the right to grief in his own way! He didn't know Lucy lost Aquarius (who did not die btw), or that the guild would break up, which I'm pretty sure Natsu would have protested AGAINST because Natsu hangs the most on the whole nakama thing, especially since he is now a real orphan. I also strongly get the feeling that Natsu never fucking talks about any of his problems or fears or his abandonment issues and that is the major reason why nobody ever notices something is wrong. It just upsets me. Someone hug him.**

 **I know this whole oneshot is meh but I'm uploading it anyway because it was finished and this topic is something that I would love to see getting used more in fanfics.**

 **Thanks for reading & please Review!**


End file.
